sigh...YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BULK UP!!!!!!!

Part of teaching pole means working with and talking to a lot of women. Most people I deal with have a decent understanding of the way exercise and the body work. They might come from another kind of fitness background (dancers and gymnasts make fabulous aerialists!), or maybe they just remember stuff from high school science or health class.

But there's no escaping the occasional whine of, "But I don't want to bulk up!"

Or, its more prevalent sister remark of, "I just want to tone!"

<sigh.> Ladies, for the love of god, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BULK UP!

If you're grossed out by pictures of female body builders, that's fine. It's a matter of taste. I mean, I'm kinda grossed out by extreme flexibility, even though some of my students go ape for contortionists. But what you need to understand is that those women didn't become so hulking by going to pole class, or even by hitting the gym. They had to work really, really hard to get that way. Part of that has to do with a specifically-targeted weightlifting regimen, and an often larger part has to do with cramming as much protein down your face as possible. Either way, it was not a side effect of poling, or of trying to get stronger.

And I'm sorry, but toning is fake. It is not a thing. It was made up by the fitness industry to assuage the fears of those of you who are afraid of bulking up. "Toning" is just losing a little fat and gaining a little muscle so you can see the definition a bit. It still involves making your muscles bigger, whatever you call it.

(And this is off-topic, but since we're on the subject of exercise myths pedaled to women: you can't lose weight off one part of your body by exercising that particular part. Build muscle yes, lose weight no.)

Still concerned? There are some reasons you might gain an above average amount of muscle:

Easy gainers
It is with muscle as with fat: some people gain it easily, some people don't. Your muscles might get bigger faster than other people's. You're just a mesomorph. Unless you're a legitimate freak of nature, though, you're not going to turn into She-Hulk by working out for strength or general fitness. Although for aerialists, you might not want to work out too hard on muscles that you don't need for your apparatus. Balance is essential, of course, but muscle weighs a lot, and you don't want to make yourself harder to lift. I'm an easy gainer, and I don't do a ton of lower body workouts. I did when I was a runner, but as an aerialist, I just don't need as much leg strength as I used to, and as long as my tush looks good, I'm happy.

Genetics
Some people have disproportionately-sized feet or hips. Others have disproportionately-sized delts or quads. Chances are, this will be somewhat apparent before you start gaining. I have large biceps. But even when I was a high schooler and not doing any exercise, I could flex and put on a pretty impressive gun show. My arms are much bigger when I am exercising, but they were kinda big to begin with. My shoulders and pecs don't get nearly as enlarged. There's not a lot you can do about this--if it's not a muscle you need for your apparatus, you can exercise it a little less, but if it is, I wouldn't sacrifice strength because you feel self-conscious about your muscles.

OK, now that I've hopefully convinced you you're not going to turn into The Tic, I'll concede that you are going to gain muscle. If you work hard, you might even gain enough muscle that people say, "Wow! You're in really good shape. What do you do to work out?"

Please don't let this make you feel unfeminine! I have muscles, and I'm pretty much a girlie-girl. I like make-up and dresses and kittens and hearts. And if you were going to call me attractive (to which I'd say, "Why thank you!" unless you were a creep, in which case I would probably reject you in a way that did not involve letting you down easy), you'd call me conventionally so. Not a supermodel, but not a fetish model, either.

Tell ya what--go ahead and do your darndest at your craft. If you feel you've gained too much muscle, you can back off your training and go back to how you used to look.

But you won't. I have yet to see it happen. I don't know a single aerialist who has said, "Hmm, I look too athletic. I liked myself better before." Sure, we complain about not being able to zip up dresses, or short sleeves being too tight on our arms. But it's a bragging kind of complaining.

A few final tips:

Your workout regimen
Actually delving into detail about how to train for strength vs. bulk is beyond the scope of this post--plus, most of your exercise will likely come from your aerial workouts and conditioning, and less from hitting the gym. But I would be remiss if I didn't at least mention that the general guideline that most people agree upon is if you want to build just strength, without hypertrophy, do just a few reps at a very high weight. Ironically, this is the opposite of advice that's peddled to women who "don't want to bulk up," which is the whole 3-4 sets of 8-12 reps thing.

Hang out with other strong women
I never appreciated my muscles, or even my strength, before I became an aerialist. Suddenly it went from a party trick to something that people around me admired and wanted to emulate. If you want to appreciate your muscles, hang out with other women who appreciate them--theirs and yours.

Don't get carried away
Maybe I convinced you a little too well. Seeing these changes in your body can get addictive, and you might be tempted to start hitting the gym harder so you can see even more results. That's fine if that's what you want for yourself. But if your primary goal is to become the best aerialist you can be, you'll want to avoid bulk just for appearance's sake. Stay light, so you can fly.

So stop worrying and get on that pole (and in that gym). Be strong and love it.


Image from oxstyle.com

Four Things Women Need to Stop Doing to Each Other

Ah, womanhood. We really are our own worst enemy, aren't we? I mean, for all the talk of sisterhood and feminism and anti-bullying and how bad "Mean Girls" are, we all kinda act like that sometimes.

I think part of the problem is that we don't always realize when we're undermining each other. So instead of crying "sisterhood," I thought I'd name some specifics. Here are four things that many women do, without realizing that they're hurting us. If you do these things (and I think all of us do at least one or two of them), please stop.

1. Implying that everyone is jealous of your boyfriend.

Here are some things I've heard said, or seen Facebook-ed, by women who are supposed to be my friends.

"Hands off, ladies--he's mine!"
"Sorry girls, this one's taken!"
"All my friends are jealous of my awesome boyfriend!"
"Maybe if you [something to the effect of "acted like me"] you could get a man like mine!"

OK, I know this is going to be hard to understand, so I'll speak slowly. No one…. cares…. about…. your… boyfriend. At best, we are happy for you. At best. I mean, we're really not that happy for you. If you're in the relationship of your dreams, it probably means you'll be hanging out with us less, which is sad. And you'll be talking about him all the time, which is annoying. Or he could end up really hurting you, which is awful. (I know, I know, he would never do that, he's amazing. We've all heard that one before. Most of us have said it.)

One of the most hindering obstacles to womankind is this innate myth that we are all in competition with each other. And here you are MAKING IT TRUE!

I know you are mostly trying to just give him a compliment, in a backward sort of way. But it really puts us off. And just as bad, you might be hurting someone who is jealous. Not jealous of THAT ONE MAN that you're fending off from an imaginary army of succubi, but jealous that you have found happiness and they don't think they ever will. There are people who go to bed crying every night because they want to be in a happy relationship. Be happy, and express your happiness, but stop rubbing it in.

2. Ripping on people's shoes.

I get it. Your snarky wit is part of your charm. And even if you have nothing else in your life in order, at least you don't wear Hated Shoe Fad Of The Season. Because all people who do are morons who should be shot. Or at least ashamed.

What if I told you there was a device that would make it difficult for you to walk more than a few blocks, and almost impossible to run, and make you easy to knock over by anyone who felt like attacking you, damaged your knees, feet, and spine alignment, all while taking your money by the bennies? Sounds pretty awful, right? What if I told you this tool of entrapment was made especially for women? Sound shockingly misogynistic? And what if I told you you would strap on this device voluntarily, due entirely to pressure from society, especially from other women? Well that's just fucked up.

OK, obviously I'm talking about shoes. And if you like shoes, that's totally cool! Wearing gorgeous high heels makes many women feel empowered, sexy, and, well, tall. Believe me, I teach pole dancing, I see how different people feel in a pair of flattering platforms. And some polers like to dance barefoot. And that's OK; I think almost all of us accept that it's a matter of personal preference and there are benefits and drawbacks to both.

Unfortunately, this "live and let live" doesn't carry over into the real world. With every comfortable shoe that becomes popular, some people--usually women--feel the need to rant about how ugly and gross they are and how they would NEVER EVER wear them. Crocs, Uggs, Birkenstocks, flip-flops, Vibrams. Somehow other people's choices of footwear are a GREAT OFFENSE to the people who have to look at them.

Crocs are not contagious. There is no second-hand flip-flop pollution. If you don't like it, walk around looking fabulous in your FMPs, you sexy thang. And if you want to have a private, unvoiced (and un-smirked and un-eyerolled) moment of self-satisfaction for looking better than everyone else, that is fine. I say you've earned it.

I usually wear relatively nice shoes. I'm VERY picky about comfort, but I try. Last week I realized that I have a bunion. I always knew I was going to get one (my mom has a bad one and had pre-bunion symptoms), but I thought I had a few more good years left. Until I was in choir and realized I could feel it pressing up in front of the side of my shoe. So I'm basically fucked for pretty footwear now. I hope you'll forgive me if you see me walking around in my Birkenstocks. If I had been doing that in the first place, I probably wouldn't have foot problems as it is!

It's not just that, though. Hobbling around in pain because your shoes are biting your feet is stupid. It's 2012, we've invented space rockets and Hulu and isolated soy protein! Why don't we have nice shoes that we can walk in? (Yes, I know there are some, but they are exceptions, plus you don't really know until after you've bought them and worn them around town a bit.) Because we'd rather tear each other down for making sensible choices than demand that the fashion industry stop glamorizing fashion-induced suffering.

I wish I had the confidence to rock a pair of Vibrams--would probably help my bunion--but I don't. Your judgements are not helping.

3. Listening behind people's backs.

It's funny how we've all come to a consensus that no one should talk about anyone behind their backs. Funny for two reasons: 1. Everyone does it, and 2. We don't have a consensus about what talking behind someone's back means. (Usually, it means something other people are doing, but never you!)

I think what most people mean when they say "I don't talk about people behind their backs" is "I don't say mean things about defined people in front of a large group or in front of a person I don't know very well." But to your best friend? Your husband? Your mom? Your inner circle of confidants? If you are talking about someone behind their backs to one other person, the one person you trust more than anyone else in the world, in a room where no one else can hear, you are still talking about someone behind their back!

That's not what gets me, though. I think that's just part of how we deal with life.

What gets me is that this whole "talking about someone" is, at the least, a two-person process.

If I say, "Mary's a jerk, she did x y and z to me," and you say "I don't want to take sides but I'm sorry you're fighting," you are as guilty as I am. Especially if the conversation started, "What happened between you and Mary?" So then I answer your question, causing me to talk about Mary behind her back. But then you don't participate in the discussion (aside from milking more juicy gossip out of me) because you don't talk about people behind their backs. Hmmm.

You've got two choices here. Gossip back (or don't) and stop pretending to be a saint, or stop me. Cut me off. Have you ever said "Please don't talk about my friend that way?" Have you ever said, "I don't want to know what happened?" Have you ever said "Let's not gossip"--BEFORE I told you what you wanted to know? It's hard! You look like an asshole to your friend who wants to vent, and you're left in the dark about the situation. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, I'm just pointing out that speaking up in the face of injustice--especially when you're the only one speaking up, which you will be--is, and has always been, hard.

And honestly--and I do believe that we shouldn't be two-faced towards each other--but honestly, when I reflect, I think I have the most respect for people who just told me. "Here's the drama, here's what happened, I know I shouldn't be telling you this, but you deserve to know." Pussyfooting around a subject, especially among friends, is not productive.

4. Slut-shaming.

We're at a point in history where almost everyone in our society admits to liking sex, admits to having premarital sex, and admits to having more than one sexual partner over the course of a lifetime.

The great equalizer, right? We're all doing it! There must be no such thing as sluts anymore, because we're all sluts!

Haaaaaaa.

What kind of logic says, "It's OK if I have sex with two people this year, but she's a whore because she had sex with four people this year"? Or says, "It's ok if I show my legs up to the knee, but she's a slut because she shows half of her thigh"? It's a couple lousy inches of fabric and a couple lousy penises.

And what in GOD'S name kind of logic says "He's going home with that bar skank, good for him," but "She's going home with that frat boy, why can't she keep her legs closed?" I know I'm not the first person to point this out, but it takes two. Or more. But at least two.

If we have ALL had sex, premarital sex, sex with different people--we are all sluts, or none of us are. The way a person dresses and how many drinks it takes them before they let their inhibitions go doesn't change that. So the next time you look at another woman and think to yourself, "What a trashy whore," remember that you are saying that about yourself, too.

Are you guilty of any of these? What would you add to the list?

Image from youthvoices.net.